GRAHAM, a man in his mid-twenties  (Al Pacino)

RAY, a man in his mid-twenties (Paul Guilfoyle)

MAN IN THE STREET (?)

DAVID, a man in his middle thirties  (Joe Maher)
 
 

****************************************************************

A room. Late afternoon. Winter. GRAHAM is standing. RAY is sitting.

GRAHAM.... I’m in with Hancox the trainers, Ray, that’s what he SAID. Look, Ray, he got me by the elbow. Messing about. Moving the flesh about on it, SEE, Ray. I was just going in, I had my three and six ready. Come over here, he said to me, I’m in with Hancox the trainers, and I’ll give you two, Ray, two for the third race. You’ll just make it. So, Ray, I pulled out an inordinately large sum of money which he immediately grabbed, you see, and he gave me Hermosa of Selsdon as number one, and Polish Otto. Hermosa of Selsdon, Ray. Do it on the forecast, do it on the tote, he said. So I went in and shelled out ten shillings on Hermosa of Selsdon and the other dog, and then I came out front and watched how the betting was going. Hermosa of Selsdon was ten to one, you see, Ray. Well, I didn’t know what the dividend might be, Ray, so I shelled out a couple of sheets on it there with some egg... AND ALL THIS TIME, Ray, all this time there was this faithless mob shelling out on a dog called Mystic Nora... but I don’t know why, Ray, I don’t know why, this Eellow had instilled faith into me, I don’t know why...

RAY. Go on.

GRAHAM. I trusted him, Ray, just because he’d... come up. Well, the fanfares blew and they brought them out and this fellow I was with said: There’s yours. There’s your dog, Hermosa of Selsdon. So I looked at it, and I swear, Ray, when I looked back again they’d lengthened to fourteens. I thought everyone’s gone MAD, Ray, everyone’s gone MAD... and then you won’t believe this, Ray, I was watching this dog, you see, and they walked it round and back again, and just as they were putting this dog into the trap, it stopped dead in its tracks, shivered, then it tightened up, then it lowered its little arse, then it had the mother and father of all dumps. It was standing at only fifty-two pounds as it was, but after that lot had shot through its glory hole, it was nearer forty...

RAY. Won’t make much difference.

GRAHAM. Of course it does, Ray. That’s how to catch out those eggs in the ring. They’ve got their backs to the dogs and the dog’s psychology. Anyhow, Ray, they get them in and the bell goes and the hare comes shooting round, sets off the traps, and some bloody egg behind me shouts: They’re off.
RAY. I KNOW.

GRAHAM. Well, to cut it short for you, Ray, it was this dog Mystic Nora all the way. Hermosa of Selsdon wasn’t in it. Nowhere. Dead out, Ray. I just STARED, you know, just STARED. And when they came onto the track to take it off, Ray, then it didn’t want to GO. That’s what really got me, Ray, IT DIDN’T WANT TO GO... IT DIDN’T WANT TO GO... I tell you, Ray, I wanted to get down there and kick it to death. I... I... I saw that dog for what it really was... just a... just a dirty little whippet... just a bowlegged dachshund  on stilts... filthy little fart with a horsehair shirt... stop it from gassing everyone...

RAY. Yes. I don’t usually bother with the forecast actually. Usually double up on the favourites. Very fair last Thursday as a matter of fact, Graham. I used to do the Duella pools sometimes on the off chance, but they closed it down for forecast betting...

GRAHAM. Yes... yes, well anyway I’m talking about last Saturday at Wandsworth, Ray. So, we were just going you see, when this fellow I went with turned to me and said: What are you going to do? About that fellow at the gate? I’d completely forgotten about him, Ray. So, we walked back up the stands, and he’s in the bar with his back to us. This fellow I was with is a bloody egg in fact: do you know what he did, Ray? He just burnt a cigarette hole in the back of his coat. Just like that. Then he taps him on the shoulder and says: Hello. So the fellow turns round then, Ray, and he doesn’t recognize  us at first, and then he does: Oh yes, he says, hello boys, have a drink, have a drink. So this fellow I’m with, Ray, Jimmy... he... Jimmy says: Two double scotches. He gets them. He gets them, and then this fellow I was with grabs him and he says: Ay wonder if you could help me. Ay’m eager to recoup certain losses made recently in an ill-advaysed venture, and Ay have here this tin of Elastoplast which Ay’m interested in selling. In fact, I sell it so cheap, that... it... would... be a pleasure to cut yourself...

RAY. Heard that before. Huh.

GRAHAM. SO, Ray, so this half-hard idiot who gave us the dogs gradually catches on that he’s being threatened, and he shoots his mouth off, you see, and we get thrown out. They wouldn’t let us back in. You know, I know one of the fellows there: works as a hatch clerk. Always has half a dollar on trap six whether there’s a dog in it or not. HE wouldn’t let us back in.

RAY. Oh well. You had a good day. Shouldn’t let it worry you. (Gets up and goes to the window. Opens it. Pause) Graham. Do you remember the time I was barred from that queer pub in Earls Court for adjusting the vertical hold on the television sct?

GRAHAM. Yes, Ray.

RAY. That was ironical, wasn’t it; barred from a queer pub for adjusting the vertical hold...

GRAHAM. Yes. Oh go and unravel in the bath. You’re getting like Aunty Daisy, you are, pushing out the dirt ... THAT BLOODY DOG... THAT BLOODY LITTLE ANIMAL...
 

RAY. Oh forget it.

GRAHAM. I have forgotten it.

RAY. You’ve forgotten about forgetting it as well.

GRAHAM. OH YES. YES.

(Pause)

Listen, it’s under two years old; it was whelped by Thermic Rays from Keneally Friend. July thirty-first, five hundred yards, trap four, normal running: fast away, ran wide, every chance, finished second. Beaten by Tarry No Dividend. August the fifth, five hundred yards, normal running, trap six, ran and finished well, Ray; first. August the twelfth, five hundred yards, normal running, trap two, badly baulked, finished well, second, beaten by Breeks Rambler, Ray, Breeks Rambler...

(RAY sits down)

RAY. I don’t know.

GRAHAM. What? Don’t know what?

RAY. Got out of bed the wrong side.

GRAHAM. It must have done.

RAY. I did.

GRAHAM. Oh did you, RIGHT, then... RIGHT. RIGHT. (Pause) Sharon... she coming round... bringing any food?

RAY. I didn’t ask her to. I didn’t give her any money.

GRAHAM. I never pay for sex, Ray, because Jesus Christ paid for our sins.
 

RAY. That’s got nothing to do with it.

GRAHAM. I like her Ray. I like her very much.

RAY. Let’s give her a miss. Let’s go up the West End.

 (GRAHAM stands up)

GRAHAM. Right then... What’s the name of that place you got thrown out of. Let’s go there.

RAY. Earl of Strathmore... Strathcona... that’s in Earls Court.

GRAHAM. Oh. Close that bloody window.

(Walks across the room. Picks up a paper)

(RAY stays at the window. G GRAHAM reads)

’With railers drawn on the outside and wide runners on the inside, tonight’s heats of the Ben Truman stakes at New Cross present a really difficult assignment for punters and I would not be at all surprised to see more than a couple of shocks before the six for Saturday’s finals are known...’ What do they want to do that for? Balingaddy runs WIDE. They should shove it on the outside. She’s a very pacy little hound. Clocked 28.06 solo last Monday. Remember? They’ve written it up: ’She is also no stranger to New Cross, having won over the course and distance, and connexions were wise to renew her associations with the circuit by giving her a five hundred yards spin on Monday...’ She’ll be on big offer.

RAY. She won’t be on big offer at all. What you say that for?

GRAHAM. She’s got Miss Vanilla and Spring Guest against her.

RAY. Huh. Half an hour’s boredom and agony for a few seconds’ pleasure.

GRAHAM. If Sharon was here she’d say: that’s like a lot of things, Ray, and leer at you. I’ve spared you that.

RAY. How bothered was I about being spared it.

GRAHAM. It’s all on the cards.

RAY. I don’t see it.

GRAHAM. Oh well it doesn’t matter. I’m not going that far with you.

The same day. Evening. VOICE OFF (Commissionaire): ’Seven and six, standing room only. Seven and six standing. You’ll have to wait, sorry, you have to wait. Standing room only.’ VOICE recedes. Traffic noises recede. RAY and GRAHAM walking. Fade up.

GRAHAM (putting on his coat). I remember coming out of the pictures with one fellow and we walked the whole way to Holborn Viaduct, and he didn’t say a word, and then he turned to me and he said: Well, those Italians really know what life is about. I could have kicked him in the crutch.

RAY. The last time I went to the pictures with you, you said you went with some American and after you came out he said: Some very poignant songs have come from the mines.

GRAHAM. I could have cut his balls off too.

RAY. I remembered your saying that. Came from Pittsburgh. Huh. I remembered that. There aren’t any bloody mines in Pittsburgh.

GRAHAM. Not IN Pittsburgh, Ray, no. But as far as I remember, Ray, Pittsburgh’s the centre of the mining district in Pennsylvania. I forced that out of him. Let’s go and have a drink, Ray. (Pause) My nerves are bloody wound up.

RAY. I could drink you under the table.

GRAHAM. Have to be a small table.

RAY. Huh. You’re getting very kittenish.

GRAHAM. Ha. Let’s go and have a drink, Ray. (Pause) What’s the nearest pub you were thrown out of.

RAY. We’ve passed it.

GRAHAM. Which one was that.

RAY. Strathmore Arms. The barman came over to me and said: You’ll have to go. I’m sorry, you’ll have to go.

GRAHAM. Why.

RAY. You’re always reading. You bore the customers.

GRAHAM. You’re always reading. You bore the customers.

RAY. Huh.

GRAHAM. Let’s go there.

(Third set of footsteps approaches. Undisciplined. MAN walks across between RAY and GRAHAM)

Hello there. How’s it going then?

MAN (turning slowly).... hello.

(MAN leaves. Footsteps recede)

RAY. Who was that. Are you playing your game.

GRAHAM (looking down the street). That turned him over. Let him cook on the other side.

RAY. He didn’t look that sort to me. For a start he was cut to pieces and reeling around the street. You could have pissed in his face and watched it evaporate.

GRAHAM. Right. You don’t believe me, Ray. Turn round, we’ll catch him up.

(GRAHAM runs back. RAY walks back)

Hello then.

MAN (reappearing). YOU’RE NOT JOSEPH AT ALL...

GRAHAM (to RAY). There you go. (To MAN) I’ve seen you at Catford Dog Track, haven’t I.

MAN. You’re NOT JOSEPH AT ALL... GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY... I never go to the Greyhound ... Racing Association... I have... OTHER things to do. Come here, come here... you... you... know what Winston Churchill said about dogs. I’ll tell you that. You read that before you... you go on to me ABOUT THAT...

(GRAHAM reaches out at him)

Don’t you touch me. I have EVERY RIGHT to walk up and down here without you fucking West End drug addicts coming up to me. (Goes over to RAY) You know what Winston Churchill said about dogs. He said they were ANIMATED ROULETTE. He had ALL THE WIT IN THE WORLD... That’ll keep you thinking for a bit. (Turning to face GRAHAM) What you come up to me for? Why don’t you... why don’t you just walk about the streets with RAYS COMING OUT OF YOUR

EYES, and RAYS coming out of the tips of your fingers... that’s what you’re at, and LEAVE ME ALONE... you DAMN WELL GO AWAY... DAMN WELL GO AWAY...

GRAHAM (crouching). What a naughty little man, Ray, he’s trying to break the rules... You might have been a man who gave me a tip last week. I might have wanted to thank you for it, or kick you to death. Hermosa of Selsdon at twenty to one?

RAY. What are you talking about, Graham.

GRAHAM. Hermosa of Selsdon at twenty to one?

MAN. Well I want no thanks from you, and when I want to thank you for something, I shan’t... He had ALL THE WIT IN THE WORLD... DAMN WELL GO AWAY... bloody split-arse ruining the bloody streets... get out...

GRAHAM. Hermosa of Selsdon at twenty to one?

MAN. Get out.

GRAHAM. Get out.

 (MAN slouches off)

oooooooeeeeeee! OOOOOOOEEEEEEEE! Hermosa of Selsdon... at twenty to one?... HERMOSA OF SELSDON... AT TWENTY TO ONE?... OOOOOO ... EEEEEEEE! HERM... 0... SA... OF... SELS ... DON... AT... TWEN... TY... TO... WER... ERN... HERMO... SA... OF... SELS... DON... AT ... TWEN... TY... TO... WER... ERN...

(Pause)

RAY. If you say: You see what I mean, I think I’ll go quietly mad.

GRAHAM. Look, the next time, you BLOODY GO ALONG WITH ME.

RAY. That dog didn’t win.

GRAHAM. Oh God, Ray, I give up. YOU BLOODY GO ALONG WITH ME. BLOODY GO ALONG WITH ME, RAY.

(Pause)

RAY. He was shaking all over.

GRAHAM. It’s all very well your saying you’ll go quietly mad, if I say: You see what I mean...

RAY. Poor old bastard. For all you know his wife might just have died, or he might have been laid off or something...

GRAHAM. Oh for crying out loud, Ray. Laid off...

(Pause. Quietly)

You see what I mean. I’ll fucking well say it now.

RAY. What? Let’s go in here.
 

A bar.

RAY. A scotch, and a glass of tonic with a slice of lemon. Thanks. (Brings the drinks to the table)

GRAHAM. How much thought did you give it.

RAY. What.

GRAHAM. Hermosa of Selsdon.

RAY. Oh. I didn’t pay much attention to it. I had Fairlands Mandy and Matson Wonder. Fairlands Mandy can catch pigeons.

GRAHAM. That wasn’t very adventurous of you.

RAY. One of the selections said Hermosa of Selsdon would be a back marker most of the way.

GRAHAM. That’s a bloody lie.

RAY. It was in Thursday’s Greyhound Express.

GRAHAM. Here you are then, I’ve got the bloody cutting. You find it then. GO ON YOU BLOODY WELL FIND IT.

(Pause)

RAY. What’s that.

GRAHAM. Weekend. Huh.

RAY (reading). ’How would you spend your last hour? Weekend asked sixteen famous people what they would do – given the choice – as the seconds ticked away: Sixty Minutes to Live...’ What would you do?

GRAHAM. I’D READ THE BLOODY THING. IF I SAID I WAS GOING TO READ THE BLOODY THING I’D READ THE BLOODY THING.’

RAY. ’One hour to live. Sixty minutes left on earth to wind up the account. Many men have faced up to it. Some bravely. Some with a whimper. It is about the most profound subject a human being can think about. But it is only when people start talking about those vital sixty minutes that the infinite variety of views emerges. Would you pray? Would you cry? Would you leave with a smile? You, alone, know .’..’

GRAHAM. What do they say then.

RAY. I think it’s interesting. ’During those last few minutes TV personality Katie Boyle would be...’

GRAHAM. Oh BELT UP... I don’t want to hear it... I don’t...

RAY. ’... she’d be tearing up old love letters and destroying other correspondences. She said ”I’ve always saved all my letters – they’re tied in neat bundles...” ’

GRAHAM. I said shut up, didn’t I.

RAY. I think it’s interesting. (Leans across and stares at GRAHAM) Don’t you, Graham. ’... in neat bundles with blue satin ribbons – and I shouldn’t like to leave anything behind that might hurt anybody.’ But the bon- fire of beribboned letters would have to wait until Katie Boyle had made arrangements to have her two miniature Pekes: Mi-Tzi and Tai-Tai taken off... taken care of...’

GRAHAM. Oh GOD, Ray.

RAY. I think it’s interesting. ’The future prospects of per- sonal pets would be the first concern of writer Beverly Nichols. ”I would ask Gaskin, my man servant, to take care of my three cats: Anthony Trollope and Five...” ’ – that’s only two, Graham, that’s only two cats.

GRAHAM. That’s the price you have to pay isn’t it. It’s THREE, you silly cunt: Anthony, Trollope and Five... Three.

RAY. ’I would then give Gaskin the time off, and I would play some records: Rachmaninov’s 18th variation on a theme by...’ You’ve read it then.

GRAHAM. Yes.

RAY. Well, what are you going on about, why can’t I read it.

GRAHAM. I’m not stopping you. YOU GO AHEAD AND BLOODY READ IT THEN.

RAY. All right, I will.

GRAHAM. I couldn’t give a bugger what you do.

(Pause)

RAY. As a matter of fact there are a lot of people you fol- low in here: Anna Massey, Jimmy Hill, the Duke of Bedford, Shirley Ann Field... ’What would be the last fling of socialite Mrs Bunty Kinsman? A parachute jump over the Sussex Downs to buy two gorgeous dresses from Balenciaga.’ I’m just picking on the funny ones, Graham. For a laugh.

GRAHAM. Yes.

RAY. Didn’t you say you met her.

GRAHAM. No... no... I don’t know, Jesus Christ.

(Pause)

RAY. Oh, it’s got beer all over it. You don’t want it do you, Graham? Might as well leave it here.

GRAHAM. Let’s go, Ray, let’s go down the road.

RAY (leaning forward, coldly). I didn’t read you out the best one, Graham. Barbara Cartland, the famous novelist, she said, when her last hour came, she’d stay busy spending the rest of her time labelling little mementos ’To Emily,’ ’To Aggie,’ ’To Tommy,’ ’To Richard,’ and all her dearest friends, and this would avoid her executors having to do it, and stop the wrong things going to the wrong people... I shouldn’t have thought it would mat- ter much. I should have thought she could mix up all of her things together and nobody’d know the difference...

GRAHAM. LOOK, YOU CAN GO BACK TO THAT OLD COW OF YOURS IF YOU LIKE. You don’t have to come out with me, you know... and what with her mange and your socks you’ll HAVE to open the fucking window. Just bloody go along with me, that’s all. Bloody go along with me. You can go off home if you like and if she’s not there, you can go and have a row with your- self in the toilet, go and unravel in the bath. I don’t care. I tell you I don’t... I tell you... I tell you...

RAY. No, I just thought. I mean, I like going out with you, Graham.

GRAHAM. Yes.

RAY. You... you... It’s all right with you, Graham.

GRAHAM. Yes it is, oh yes, Ray. Yes, you’re quite right Ray. Oh yes.

(Pause)

Listen to this prick. (Reading) ’Hermosa of Selsdon has more than an average turn of early foot, and from a favourable draw may well reach the first bend in front, should sweep away into the lead and career away for what could well be the most decisive winning margin of the evening. Great Gusto as his name implies is a stout finisher and if he can avoid trouble should outstay all but the selection: Hermosa of Selsdon...’ How they have the NERVE to bring that dog up again... we’ve SEEN that bloody hound... SEEN that bloody hound ... ’favoured by having trap three vacant.’ It wouldn’t make any difference if they were all vacant... we’ve seen that bastard dog.

RAY. Isn’t that him? That one.

GRAHAM. Who. Wouldn’t make any difference if they were all bloody vacant. Who, who. What’s the time.

RAY (pointing). One of those people you follow. There. No, there. You see, there. THERE. There he is. There, there he goes, see him. There he goes. Quick. Just behind the... THERE HE IS...

GRAHAM. Yes. Yes. No, it’s not the one you’re... Ray. It’s another... one. I know who you mean. I know who he is. Yes.

(Slight pause)

RAY. Well, let’s go and chat him up.

GRAHAM. Yes, Ray. Whatever for, Ray.

RAY. Well, then the next time you see him you can say to yourself, well... you know, that you and me chatted him up, Graham, and how it went or something. I don’t know. I don’t know why you follow those people.

GRAHAM. They follow me. Going along with me, are you?

RAY. Yes, well yes, Yes, Graham.

GRAHAM. You’re being a bit kittenish.

RAY. Graham.

(RAY and GRAHAM leave)

Another table in the bar. DAVID is sitting down with a Campari. GRAHAM and RAY take up positions by the table. Pause.

GRAHAM. Excuse me, I’d just like to say I admired the way you extricated yourself from that dirty little bitch on the train to Santa Fe.

DAVID (looking up). Oh... oh, you... OH yes... you ... saw that, did you. Yes, yes.
 
 

GRAHAM. Yes, my friend and I happened to spot you in the corner and we thought you wouldn’t mind if we came over and let you know that we were on your side.

DAVID. Oh, well, huh... yes, well, thank you... they’re ... they’re releasing it again as a matter of fact. I was very pleased about that. I mean you’re probably...

GRAHAM. Oh no, David, we’ll be there. We’ll be there.

DAVID. Yes. I thought that was fairly well buried that... nice you should...

GRAHAM. Oh, no, we’re great admirers of yours. Do you know, David, do you know where we first saw you. You had a part you wouldn’t spit on now in Oklahoma at Hastings. Five years ago. There’s not many people come up to you, David, and say that.

DAVID. No... no... huh... funny... remember that... very well. Local papers said it was a once-in-a-lifetime- clinch-with-gaiety... huh.

GRAHAM. That’s a giggle, isn’t it, Ray. Can we get you a drink? You couldn’t have carried on there, singing she was the fisherman’s daughter and her place was covered in crabs. Not your style, David.

RAY. Drink?

DAVID. Oh... well, Campari.

GRAHAM. I’ll get it. Don’t want to rush you off your feet, Ray. Campari... that’s port and lemon in disguise. You’re sewn up, aren’t you? (Leaving) Campari, scotch and a glass of tonic with a slice of lemon. You know the old joke, don’t you, David.
(GRAHAM leaves. RAY sits down in the chair next to DAVID. Stares at him)
 
GRAHAM (coming back). She’s been taken up hasn’t she, that dirty bitch in the train to Santa Fe.

DAVID. Oh... yes... she’s been... thank you... she’s been taken up in a big way... Oh, yes...

GRAHAM (sitting down). Tell me David, this recent one you’ve been working on... what’s the director like to work with?

DAVID. Oh, you’ve been reading about that one, have you? Very difficult going to begin with, but I found that the only way to avoid a direct clash... personalities... was to... well... almost exactly the opposite to what he wanted. Not quite the exact opposite you see... do you see what I mean, but almost the exact opposite. And then you see, he knew that you weren’t kowtowing to him like everyone else, and at the same time you weren’t sort of... playing the game of doing the exact opposite in order to show that you were obviously, as it were, standing up to him... you see... very...

GRAHAM. Brilliant, David, absolutely BRILLIANT. Ray.

RAY. Yes, Graham, very, very clever.

(Pause)

GRAHAM. Funny, Ray and I were talking about that film just before... and he bet you lived it up there, David.

DAVID. Yes, well... no... it’s not what you’d... you’d imagine... at all really.

GRAHAM. Oh NO, we’ve got no ILLUSIONS about it. No illusions at all. I can imagine just what it’s like, you know. They don’t keep you at arm’s length. It’s all written up. I saw you rehearsing the other day in Hammersmith, some hall there. I was passing by, I know a fellow who works there.

DAVID. Really? Jesus, that’d be the new...

GRAHAM. Oh yes, David, we often pass that place on the way to the dogs. Do you ever go to the dogs at all?

DAVID. No... I don’t, I’m afraid... Never have the time ... I... I... I’d lose... suppose... How do they work it exactly? Have a hare, mechanical hare... some- one said about the greyhound racing? Some remark. I was reading it the other day. Animated roulette. Winston Churchill... animated roulette. Huh. No I don’t follow it really.

RAY. Graham follows it.

DAVID. Yes. (Pause) Be with you in a minute... just going downstairs to shake the icicles off. Huh. (Goes through to the stairs leading to the toilet)

RAY. He’s gone downstairs, Graham. See a man about a dog. Huh.

(Silence)

GRAHAM. Are you going along with me... you going to hedge your bet.

(Silence)

RAY. No, Graham, no. It’s what you say. Just what you say. The old black magic.

(Silence. DAVID comes back)

RAY (standing up, to GRAHAM). Who’s the third man who walks beside you?

DAVID. Hello. Huh.

 GRAHAM. Knock them back, don’t you, David. I bet your liver goes on living long after you’re dead; you’ll have to employ someone like us to come over and beat it to death. (Standing up) What about coming down the road with us; place we know.

DAVID. No. Really I’ve... I’ve got to get back. I really must get back... very, very tired...

GRAHAM. We’ll walk along with you.
Traffic sounds. An alley. Traffic sounds fade out. Fade up.

GRAHAM. You haven’t let us introduce ourselves: my name’s Graham, David. This is my very good friend, Ray Summers... Do you mind being recognized by strangers?

DAVID. Oh... it’s just part of... depends who they are ... they usually get my name wrong, and then they get embarrassed and walk off... doesn’t take much out of you.

GRAHAM. I expect a lot of them ask you for your auto- graph and say it’s for their small son, or their nephew, someone you’ve never heard of, to cover up.

DAVID. Yes, yes... funny you should say that, I was...

GRAHAM. Can I have your autograph. It’s for Ray. (DAVID takes the book) RAY. You’ve got one of those pens that writes under water.

DAVID. Oh... huh... I never knew they... useful for playing the... the Duke of... Duke of... Clarence ... huh.
  GRAHAM. They wouldn’t let you. He was Jewish. There were fifty thousand Sephardic Jews in England in ten sixty-six. They all got to the top and then nobody knew who they were. There were twenty thousand Negroes in England in the eighteen hundreds and nobody knows where they are either. Ray’s Jewish. He had to have it cut off, and I bloody wore it off.

(DAVID laughs)

Stop laughing. You sound like a clam going mad.

DAVID. Oh, huh... yes... Well, I must...

GRAHAM. We turn down here.

DAVID. Well, perhaps I’ll run across you again...

GRAHAM. Run across us again. You’ll have to run very very fast, David. Very very fast. Don’t you live in Knightsbridge now, David. I saw your house in Chiswick was up for sale... in the property column.

DAVID. Did you.

GRAHAM. You’re very funny to meet, David.

DAVID. I’m what... you mean I don’t live up to the...

GRAHAM. No, no, no, David. You’ve got it all wrong, and even if that was the case we’d forgive you, wouldn’t we Ray... you’re very very tired. But you sell yourself so cheap... don’t defend yourself. You’ve got to put yourself out a bit; they’ll defend you as much as they can, but when it comes to crucial issues you’re out on your own, David. You haven’t done half of it. Well, we’ll leave that for a bit and turn to the more rational side. How would you assess his physical stature and condition, Ray, just in a few words for guidance.
   
RAY (closing in on DAVID, against the wall). Well, about six foot, eleven stone, well covered, fairly good working order I should think.

(GRAHAM moves up to DAVID. Takes off his spectacles)

GRAHAM. Said you were very approachable, David. Kick him in the stomach, Ray. Get him on the floor. Shove your handkerchief in his mouth. Kick him in the stomach and then we’ll see what follows...

(DAVID falls to the floor. RAY throws his coat over his head)

No, David, let’s put it another way for you. It’s the simplest thing in the world when you grasp it. You see, take Ray for example... this girl Sharon that he’s shacked up with; she thinks he’s you, and when they’re in their bed, David, he thinks he’s you, and she thinks she’s being done by you, you see. Now it’s not quite as simple as you think... Kick him again Ray, keep at it ... You see, David, it’s got nothing to do with RESENT- ING you, nothing at all... it’s just that it seems stupid that you’re not THERE then to defend yourself, you see. (Slight pause) I think he’s ready now, Ray... have his face done.

(RAY screws his foot into DAVID’s face)

Mind you, David, you’re better than some. For example all the people in that article, ’Sixty Seconds to Live,’ they all said they’d try to be themselves, except you. That was very clever, David... much less easy target. You’re on the right track. What’s that on the left-hand side of his face, Ray. Is that a birthmark?

RAY. No, I just did that.
   
GRAHAM. You see what I mean, David, you were halfway there...

(DAVID writhes slowly under the coat)

Wasn’t I going to tell you a story, David. Listen. A man and his wife went into a pub, and he said to the barman, I’ll have a Guinness, and the barman said with a wink: That’ll put lead in your pencil. I can’t write, the man said, saving up his wink for another time. (Slight pause) As a matter of fact, I’ve swindled you, David. I usually tell that story at the beginning to ingratiate myself but I thought I’d leave it till the end with you. Out of PURE selfishness. I like to give my stories a good airing. This one’s off the record, mind you, but do you know what keeps an old Englishman happy? Tell him a joke when he’s young. (Slight pause) See what he’s got in the bottom drawer, Ray.

(RAY stands between DAVID’s outstretched legs and kicks him in the crutch)

Yes. Don’t want him to be typecast.

RAY. He’s not moving.

GRAHAM. You know I’m quite surprised at myself, David. Giving you this publicity. (Pause) Touch you. I wouldn’t touch you with a sanitary towel. (Pause)
Where was it, Ray.

RAY. Monmouth Street.

GRAHAM. That was it, Monmouth Street. You had a beautiful woman with you, David. I remember it so well. Beautiful buttocks she had. I think it was your wife Ella. She was slightly pregnant at the time. Nineteen thousand men were having blood tests. Beautiful buttocks. I watched one, going like a fiddler’s elbow, and then I lost track of it and watched the other. Backs of her knees... almost edible, David. I was with a friend of mine from my office. I watched him come without trimming the candle. But we were  walking in your direction  you see, David, and AS we got up to you... incidentally when we got up close it was quite obvious you’d left the top of the glue pot off... well when we got up CLOSE this friend of mine RECOGNIZED you, but he looked AWAY, you see, David, he looked AWAY. I’M not going to give myself away, you see. That’s what he was thinking. I’M not going to give myself away. No, but you see, I can ask you NOW, David, what danger was there of that. You wouldn’t have remembered him even if he had given himself away, would you, David. What he didn’t realize was that the reason he wasn’t looking at you was because you’re a dirty leper, you’re a hideous cripple It is extremely RUDE to stare at hideous cripples... I don’t see any blood, Ray.

(Pause. GRAHAM takes a switchblade out of his coat)
Let’s have a bit of daylight through his cheek. This. (Snaps the blade open. RAY takes it slowly, and bends down) Wait. Glamorous, Ray. Too glamorous.

RAY (stands up). No, no, Graham.

GRAHAM. No? Don’t want to leave any false trails. Don’t want to leave it screaming. Let it sweat. (Slight pause) How do you feel?

RAY. I feel quite enthusiastic.

GRAHAM. Go ahead then.

(RAY bends down, slips the blade under DAVID’s coat. Feels for his face. Sound of strangled breath hissing through the gag in his mouth)
  Have to make some concessions. Don’t want them to think it was sleeping tablets. All that, Ray. That little number.

RAY. He’ll have a new number. (Stands up, stares into GRAHAM’s face) Graham.

GRAHAM. Ray.

RAY (slowly). Graham.

GRAHAM (slowly). Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray... (RAY hands back the knife. GRAHAM closes it, replaces it in his coat) Well, David, I think that’s all, except for a few cheap ironical statements such as Thank you for having spared us the time, and We’ll be in touch with you. I expect you’re familiar with them...

RAY. (inaudible)

GRAHAM. Ray.
 

Room. Gramophone playing. Lips Flip: Fade up. Music turned down. RAY and GRAHAM sitting.

RAY. I met that fellow the other day.

GRAHAM. Who.

RAY. The... you know... you KNOW.

GRAHAM. You met him

RAY. I walked past him. He didn’t recognize me.

GRAHAM. He didn’t recognize you. He’s got a nerve. Not recognizing you, Ray, that takes the bloody biscuit. Was he looking at you?

RAY. He looked at me and then he looked away.

GRAHAM. He recognized you.

RAY. No... no.

GRAHAM. That was a bit of a moody, Ray. Made the game very simple for him so he could understand it, and he blatantly chooses to ignore the rules.

RAY. He might have thought we were jealous.

GRAHAM. All that gone to waste... huh. No, no I don’t... He’s not as stupid as that Ray. It was double bluff. Double bluff. I don’t grudge it him, all said and done. He’s entitled to do whatever he likes. He’s been out of work for six months.

RAY. He’s probably on the streets now...

GRAHAM. Poncing around like a blue-arsed fly and flogging his chops into the bargain. Poor fellow.

RAY. The Salvation Army does a lot for them.

GRAHAM. Ray.

RAY (picks up a paper. Riffles it). Fairlands Mandy.

GRAHAM. You chose that. Silly cow.

RAY. Fairlands Mandy. (Pause)

GRAHAM. Give him a ring.

RAY. It’s ex-directory.

GRAHAM. Belgravia two one five six seven. Use your Douglas Fairbanks voice, Ray.

RAY. Yeah. (Crouches by the phone on the floor. Dials) Hello. (Pause) David there? (Pause) Hello is that you, David? (Pause) Well I’d just like to say we been watching our movie... you know, spell-binding. I expect you’ve ad your fill, but I wanted to register it before I leave tomorrow. (Pause) Not at all. Not at all. You put on a great show. That’s all. (Pause) Can I know who it is? (Pause) That’s the game kid. That’s the game. You put your finger on it. Just wanted to say what a fine showing. That’s all... That’s all right. Any time. Bye now.

(Pause)

GRAHAM. Isn’t he slow. Oh makes you sick.

RAY. Yes... ten years’ time he’ll have three face lifts and whenever he winks his legs’ll jump up in the air...

GRAHAM. Oh, belt up, will you Ray... just belt up, go on, belt up...

RAY. Sorry.

GRAHAM. That’s all right. (Slight pause) What’s the selection.

RAY. Fairlands Mandy... hundred to eight...

GRAHAM. Fat chance. Their selection... not yours...

RAY (turning the page). Polish Otto.

GRAHAM. What’s it say.

RAY. ’Polish Otto traps well and is well placed for a wide runner. If she can lead out from privately trained
Fairlands she should outstay the field. But she tends to get badly baulked if...’

GRAHAM. I’ll take that. Otto. Bring it with you. Coming?

RAY. Yes.

GRAHAM. Come on then, Ray. Privately trained, Ray. Huh. Ray. (Stands up. Puts on his coat. Fade to blackout)